Painfully Human

September 17th, 2007


Sometimes I totally lose perspective and I forget how good I have it, or how good my life is. I think about the pressing issues in my life; making more money, finding more time, getting into my pre-baby clothes...I have no issues, really. My issues are so minuscule. I feel foolish at times, for even complaining or wanting more out of my life. If I never moved from this place in life, I can honestly say that I am more blessed than many of the people of the earth. I have these moments when I realize that I am living for myself, and not for others. I feel awful for eyeballing that cute purse or shoes when I think of Kenya's orphans living on the streets, eating out of trash heaps. The most desperate conditions in earth exist in Africa :( It's staggering, the idea of little ones, TEAGUE'S AGE, trying to survive, alone. When I read current events, I just cringe at my shallow concern. Sometimes I wonder if my broken songs are really changing anything. I wonder if my prayers are really making their way to the most desperate places of the earth. I know God cares more than I ever could. I have to believe that he uses my weak prayers on behalf of the hurting, not so much because it's me. It's a wonder that the God of the Universe, the one who sees every hidden thing from beginning to end, even tolerates me in my apathy and my selfishness. It's only by His grace that I am even able to stand, to know Him...to serve Him. I'm not downtrodden. I'm stirred. I'm sick of myself at times, trying to scramble to pay bills and provide for my family, and feeling I've done a good thing in doing so, when there are others living off of rotten food in alleys and slumps. The need is overwhelming. Often times I just put it out of my mind for lack of ability to respond. I don't know how to respond to such enormous need. I only know I need to. I must do something. If we all did something, things would be different. No child should have to starve to death. I could have very easily been born in Africa, into poverty and orphaned by age 2 or 3. That could easily be my baby boy wasting away in poverty and war. Thank you Lord, that it is not and yet in acknowledging this, I know you love them no less. I know that your kingdom is going to be full of these children; these ones that have known nothing but pain on this earth. I believe they will sit on your lap, feast at your table and never know of need, ever again. They will hold a coveted place in the heavens as you have said, "blessed are the poor for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." You will exalt the poor. You will reward them with riches that will not tarnish or lose their luster. You are a good God and my hope is in you. You are the only justice I know. If not for you, I would have lost hope a long time ago.
These verses tear at my heart. This is the very essence of the heart of God. This is His priority list.
Blessed are the poor in spirit,for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are they who mourn,for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,for they shall possess the earth.
Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for justice,for they shall be satisfied.
Blessed are the merciful,for they shall obtain mercy.
Blessed are the pure of heart,for they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,for they shall be called sons of God.
Blessed are they who suffer persecution for justice sake,for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

I had a dream the other night, Friday night to be exact. We pray for rain a lot over here. There are a number of meanings to this but mostly we are asking God to come; to bring His kingdom to earth. We want the wrong things made right. We want justice done. We want justice in our OWN lives. We need God to make right our own hearts. In my dream, we were once again praying for rain. We were going for it, praying hard. Then it started to rain. And it rained some more. Then it started to flood. Then it was terrifying, the amount of rain. Then there were causalities because of the rain. It was unsettling and yet, I knew in my spirit this was the very rain we were praying for. Moments before I was crying out with all that I had within me for God to come. Then He came, and I was afraid. There are a few things the Lord has shown me about this but mainly, there is a need for His people to be ready for the rain. Just as in the days of Noah...and now there are hundreds of houses of prayer, built solely for the return of the coming King, in effort to ready his Bride and partner with Him in end-time affairs. It's sobering, ladies. This stuff blows my mind. This is the richest form of reality I know. This is the stuff so real I can taste it. And now, will I be ready? Will I? Will you? Am I really ready, for my prayers to be answered? Am I really ready for God to come and make right what is wrong on the earth? I am dealing soberly with myself tonight.