Relevance as a second Language

In my life, there are a fistful of core goals that I pray I will accomplish. Of course, this is a very condensed capsule and it consists mostly of intangible elements that serve to propel me in the direction I want to go. At the center of that core is my relationship with the God of the Universe; the uncreated One. Metaphorically and spatially speaking, my God is the sun that I revolve around; the constant, unmovable, immeasurable foundation of all things. Then circling around that are these other valuable and pertinent factors in my life that carry great weight, especially as it pertains to my ability to function and evolve as a fearfully and wonderfully made being. Plainly stated, there are obviously some things that are more important than others. Those more important things I hold very close to me, by the grace and "gravitational pull" of God.

Being a relevant human being in a helplessly irrelevant world is one of my highest priorities, this side of eternity. It has always been a devastating issue for me, honestly, to think that my life, my purpose, my ideas are not relevant to others. I have a longing to impact life, here and now, as well as life everlasting. To be swept aside and dismissed is maddening, in my mind. To be living a life that speaks nothing to anyone is one of my worst fears. I don't want to be rationalized away one day, leaving others to try and make sense of the hodge-podge remnants of my indiscretions in life. I desire substance and focus. I desire to be relevant.

I am a Biography Channel junkie. I am hopelessly curious as to the story behind the person. On many occasions I have asked myself the loaded question, "If my life was aired on the Biography channel, what would it say?" My life has a voice. It speaks its very own language. I want it to be fluent with beautiful and comprehensive human dynamic. I want relevance to be my second language.

Recently I watched a biography about an artist. He was deeply troubled and disturbed and of course his art reflected as much. His life was being played out for me, scene after scene, image after image; the sum of all his parts, condensed into a mere hour. A series of interviews peppered the program, encouraging past companions to retell his failures and successes. To say he was eccentric is an understatement. Perhaps tortured is a just description. His life was obscure. He spent most of it isolated in his own warped ideology. When you add up the gross inconsistencies and the failed attempts at forging a name on society, I see a man lost in his own abstractness. His life seemed inadmissible. This is not to say that his life had no meaning or that he was not cherished or loved by those dear to him. But being weighed against something as vast as eternity, I believe he fell miserably short. His life, his art, his inspiration led you to nothingness. It offered no hope. It gave no explanation. It lacked significance. I racked my brain, struggling to find something inside of me that could relate to him, to his cause…to his pain, even. His ideas spun me in circles. In fact, they haunt me for lack of reason.

I have an innate desire in me to know and be fully known. Being made in the likeness of Christ, this is no surprise to me as this is also the Father's desire. I believe this man also wanted to be known; his ideas, his aspirations, the corridors of his dark heart. However, my assessment and assumption is that he had little or no understanding of himself because he did not know the One who created him. It's no wonder his ideas were perverse, demented and inconsequential. That is at best what our finite minds conjure up. In light of God's wisdom, we squirm in our foolishness. As the program ran its credits, I felt a muddy mix of emotions. I felt embarrassed to be human. I felt relieved to know God. I felt the distance between my thoughts and His. I felt the need to pray. I prayed for a life that would be understood and that would add up in the end. I prayed that my life would equal something. I prayed it would translate into something coherent and applicable. And in so many words, I prayed to be relevant

The Inevitable is Here

I can feel it happening. I really can. And not only that, I can SEE it happening. It's even painful at times and then there are the times when it's simply hysterical. But most of all, it's inevitable. I might as well quit fighting and just give in. The force is greater than me. It has gained momentum and I am being swept into its raging current. That's right…I'm turning into my parents.

Do you realize that next year I will have a child in middle school? And next year also marks another milestone for me as I round out the ripe age of 30. Remember when 30 meant you were ancient? I do. I was about the age of my oldest daughter! So here I am, facing the music and now fully understanding why my parents did the things they did, said the things they said and went entirely out of their minds! I am officially a grown up! Death to all things fun and impractical! Here's to ingesting Grape Nuts and Geritol every day for the rest of my life! Well…perhaps I am being a bit dramatic.

While I am riding in the car with my husband, I have a bad habit of admiring all of his newly sprouted grey hairs as he drives. I can't help it. They shine like silver in his dark hair. I try to look away but I can't stop staring. It's like a tree ring, of sorts. I see more and more each time I ride in the car with him. It's quite telling of the years we've spent together, raising children, doing the stuff of life while hanging on by the skin of our teeth at times. My first instinct is to grab the tweezers and pluck those suckers but, I think I'm reaching the point where I am willing to submit to the idea that this is all part of it. This is part of God's plan for us. And of course, I'm glad he's the one greying and not me. (snicker)

The other day I was at the center of the universe, Wal-Mart, and I was slowly creeping down the aisle, rummaging through my coupon book and scouring the shelves for my coveted product. An older gentleman stocking shelves said to me, "The coupon lady." I smiled politely and nodded my head in agreement as I mentally began to take ownership of this frugal title. I MUST use my coupons…and count my pennies…and cut some corners…and eat Grape Nuts. I'm a grown up now. This is what grown-ups do. However…I pray the label, "cat lady," is a few years off yet. Meow.

One of the most obvious things to look for when questioning if you are evolving into your parents or not is to take note of where your thought life is. Do you find yourself thinking of mutual funds and saving for your children's education? Do you catch yourself trying to envision a son or daughter-in-law fitting into the family one day? Do you feel totally unprepared for all that will be required of you as your children become young adults and then eventually parents themselves one day? I know I do. When you watch television, do you find yourself watching Fox News or CNN or even worse yet, Nightline? Do you find that the people on the Home Shopping Network are really onto something? Do you find it difficult to stay awake while watching the ten o'clock news? If you answered yes to any of the above, I would be so brave as to suggest that you are, indeed, a grown-up. I apologize if this is a harsh reality for some of you but the sooner you accept it, the sooner you will enjoy watching the Price is Right everyday of your life.

All of this to say that yes, I am now officially my parents. I even say the dreaded phrases that I swore I would not say. You know the ones. "How many times do I have to tell you?" And, "I'm not the maid around here." And of course the infamous, "If you catch anything else on fire we're going to have you deported!" Uh….well, maybe that last one was exclusively for me growing up. But suffice to say, it's alright, fellow adult. You are not alone in this season of life. I too am going through the changes and trying to embrace it with enthusiasm. In fact, I am writing a book about it. It's going to be called, Grape Nuts; 101 Ways.

Passion is a Seed

This past weekend I heard one of the most profound statements of my entire life. It came by way of a dear friend of mine, whose life mission is to declare the love and knowledge of God and has been giving him self to this very endeavor over the years. The words had scarcely left his lips that evening when they sharply pierced my heart and sent what felt like a wave of truth through my entire being. His statement was this. Passion over time looks like faithfulness.

Do you know what this statement means for me? It revolutionizes my finite thinking and minimal understanding of what passion really is and what it should resemble after years of being seasoned and simmered. Upon hearing these words I knew that I had not rightly discerned the definition of passion in my own life. Not only in reference to my heart toward specific causes or people but especially in regards to my heart posture toward the Lord and his bleeding heart towards me. Passion is not only an emotion but rather, it is also a seed.

When I survey the things in my life that I have desired to display passion about, I see a frustration in my spirit, due to my inability to maintain the type of intensity that I think would be required. I have always thought that passion equaled this sort of violent, forward-moving action that fueled and burned itself, all at once. I guess in my mind it resembled something akin to flames of fire. And is some ways, my concepts were not so far off. I do believe that passion can be resembled as such. However, I had no reference for what that flame would be considered once it died down; once it was reduced to mere smothering embers, almost entirely quenched by the flood waters of this life. Could it really be called passion if it wasn't roaring with emotion and being fed with zealous energies and efforts? I dare to say it could…and it is.

I believe that many of us in our faith walk have dismissed our more recent yet sincere inclinations toward God for one reason or another. Perhaps we had an intense love for the Lord at some point in our lives that we are constantly measuring ourselves against; that we were never able to fully regain or rekindle. If you're like me, you may have heaped condemnation on your own head for not being able to feel the emotions that you once had for God. This has also been a place that I have been trying to revisit in my marriage. Who doesn't want to have the same passion they once had in the beginning stages of new love? But I now realize that it doesn't have to be a striving for the emotions that were attached to that sweet time but rather, a conscious commitment of walking out the devotion that has come as a result of that passion. I have concluded that if passion cultivates faithfulness, then passion must be a seed that is sown. And I do find this to be the case in the relationships in my life, and most certainly with Christ. With assurance he has sown a promise into me, through the fierce love story of the cross, and caused my heart to follow him. It's only by God's grace that I am still a lover of Him. Even when my heart has gone wayward, His passion for me has kept me from wandering off to the point of no return. Truly His love for me is the ultimate picture of passion and dying devotion, translated into an eternal faithfulness that I can never escape. I realize that there is a desire in the human heart to possess passion. I am continually in awe of those who have zeal in their hearts about whatever it is they set before them. It's truly admirable. And yet, if it were to be all about emotion, they would not be able to maintain it lifelong. But I am learning that passion is so much more than a fleeting feeling. Sometimes it looks like a husband, committed to raising his children and providing for his wife. Other times it might look like an employee that is overlooked and underpaid and yet, continues on with the job that God has blessed him with. Many times it looks like the martyr, whose life was fully given unto death. I believe these to be pictures of passion, preserved by God's grace, not yet killed. Surely it suffers much and endures all things.

Passion is what has given us life and passion is what will cause us to triumph, friends, even to the end. This is the passion of the Christ. This is the faithfulness of Christ; from everlasting, to everlasting. It will never grow cold. It will never lose momentum. It is eternal.

Destiny

Lately I've been trying to absorb the concept of destiny. What does it mean? What does it matter? I've heard many refer to destiny in a flippant way, chalking it up to some sort of romantic collision of fates. That seems a bit too unintentional to me, however; this crazy notion that we live any ol' way we wish and somehow, by happenstance, it all works out in the end. I suppose I've seen it NOT work out enough times to discredit this theory in my own life. If only I could toss up my hands in a grandiose display of, "Che sara, sara! Whatever will be, will be!" and somehow land right where destiny intends me to be. And while I'm wishfully thinking, wouldn't it be great to skip the whole labor part of birthing children, too? Oh, the possibilities…..

Destiny has taken on a deeper meaning for me in the past few years. When I search out synonyms of the word I find a few that really strike my heart. There's certainty, conclusion, portion, expectation, and foreordination among many others. I have to smile because I realize that these are indeed honest depictions of what it means to be destined. And when I plug this into the context of reigning with Christ forever and ever, my smile widens because I am certain that he has written destiny on my heart.

Do you remember the line from Back to the Future, one of my favorite movies ever, where Marty McFly approaches Lorraine, his future wife, in a local diner and musters up the nerve to say to her, "I'm your density. I mean... your destiny." through much awkwardness? Though a ridiculous analogy, it is so fitting for what the truth is in regards to the coming Bridegroom King. He says to us, "You are my destiny." And we are to answer back, "And you are MY destiny, Lord." I imagine we may stammer those words out as Marty did but, nonetheless, it is to be said and understood. Jesus is our destiny. This remains true whether you believe in Him or not. Flipping back to my synonyms, He is the certain conclusion and portion of all things, both past and present. He is more than a romantic notion or a superstition. He is the be-all and end-all.

I find myself in a very spacious place, spiritually speaking. I have lofty ideas of God and I find myself daydreaming about the time we spend together. He's courting me and I'm searching for Him. It's not a hit and miss type of deal. It's a very purposeful and strategic time. I'm embarking on a journey with Him that allows me to FINALLY give myself permission to minister before Him in the place of prayer and worship at the International House of Prayer. I've so longed for this season. I was made to do this. I was made for worship. I was made to love God and be loved by God. I was made to search Him out in the secret places of prayer and meditation. I can sense destiny taking root inside of me. As I span the past and reflect on the seeds sown, words spoken and promises made, I have certainty about what God has called me to and what God has promised to do in and through me. Because of this I don't have to second guess every movement I make and yet I'm not charging blindly into life either. I'm walking, in fellowship, and I'm agreeing with what destiny has declared over my life. His plans can be found out and I can know where it is that I am going by knowing the One who has invited me to sojourn with Him. There is nothing flippant or consequential about Christ's death on the cross. He predestined eternity before I was even a thought in my parents mind. Destiny begins and ends with Him alone.
There is a great quote that goes something like this, "I don't know what the future holds but I know who holds the future." Jesus knows my destiny. And even greater than that, Jesus IS my destiny. I sure ended up with the long end of the stick on that one.

Knowing the Heart of God

The heart of God can seem to be a very obscure and elusive mystery at times. The depths of the knowledge and love of God are endless and eternal. I love how Jeremiah 33:3 says, 'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.' This is a promise that He CAN and WILL be found out, if only we inquire of Him.

At some point in our lives, most of us find ourselves in the desert place; the wilderness season of the soul. I know I've had my fair share of north winds and have found myself admittedly bewildered and disillusioned while being spun around in my shade of gray. Sometimes life isn't as simple as black and white. Sometimes we are left in the dense fog, grasping and searching for God. These are the times I ask of the Lord, "What is this? What are you doing?" fully knowing that He has not abandoned me in my longing and need of Him. And even in those times when He stands far off, silently watching and waiting to see what is in my heart, I know He will reveal himself to me eventually, and it will all be worth it, these temporary struggles and trials.

Personally, I find it difficult to discern God's heart when I'm in the midst of something so "thick" I can't see my own hand, even if placed in front of my face. In fact, it's almost impossible to know where to tread when you can not see the path before you. Sometimes I'm forced to stand still for lack of insight and direction. Other times I'm only allowed enough visibility to take one minor step at a time. It's all in His hands and it's all in His heart, the plans He has for me. It's my obligation to trust that He is good and His heart toward me is love. Perfected love casts out all fear.

I would love to tell you that I have 100% discernment and understanding of the things that God has allowed in my life and the things that I wrestle with now. However, I do not. The Lord has shared a few things with me as to why particular events happened and why circumstances unfolded the way they have over my lifetime. But, for the most part, my questions are not satisfied with concrete answers that add up to make perfect sense. My questions are satisfied with Him. There are a few things that I know that I know. Most things I have no clue about. But the one thing that is not questionable in my life is the Lord's love for me. Even when I feel foolish and in the dark, unable to know what my next move is, I am certain He loves me. Even when I feel there is nothing in my life that is stable or promised, He is. Even when I am not able to discern the move of God in my life, whether it is purposefully intended that way by Him or due to my lack of understanding, I can always discern his heart for me… and it is good. This should be enough for me. This is what it means to trust, I believe. This is what I am learning. Whatever comes, it is intended for my good because the Lord is for me, not against me. And I can know His heart. I can also know His plans, if he desires to trust me with them. But even when I do not know, when the unknown feels scary and unfamiliar, I can rest in the fact that I know the. It is always bleeding love for me and that's enough to see me through.

Lose To Gain, Die to Live

There is a very backward principle in the kingdom of God. It is not the way of the world that we live in but it is the way of wisdom. It is the way often resisted and refused. It is the way of Christ.Many people believe that coming into a relationship with Christ means death to the things they want. But this is only true if your wants are contrary to what is best for your life. In fact, it is foolishness to believe that anyone has ever lost anything by following Christ. We have only gained, and undeservingly so.

I want to put the death the voice inside of me that would count my losses since knowing Jesus. There is no tab to be kept. There is no grieving of things lost or longed for. There is only a receipt of canceled debt. This alone is enough to silence the heart's pity-party.
Some understand that to follow in the footsteps of Jesus, as a wholehearted disciple, you'll be asked to forsake yourself. They fear having to relinquish their ambitions, aspirations and passions in life. Many are not ready to surrender such valuable portions of their hearts to a man who lived both life and death with such reckless abandonment. For some the reservation is in money. Consider the rich young ruler who wanted eternal life but was not willing to part with his wealth. Had he only known the riches he would have gained had He done as the Lord requested of him. The Bible says that he went away sad that day and understandably so. Though he hadn't sold a thing, he had surely lost.

For others the reservation may be ambition or passions and their hearts burn for other, lesser things that will not submit to the will of God. Many times God wants to give us the desires of our hearts but only when those desires become His, first. If we could just trust Him to take every talent, gifting, and passion and fashion it in the fire of His love, I know it would resemble something more gratifying to us and glorifying to Him. And yet we cling to these vain imaginations as God longs to bring death to them that He may give us the real thing.
And yet for others the resistance stems from forfeiting the sin they so enjoy. Nothing on this earth could ever compare to the satisfaction of knowing and following Christ, especially not the indulgence of our "favorite" sin. If we are not at war with our sin then something is wrong. To follow Christ in Godly submission is to crucify the sin of the flesh, and to never make peace with it again. If we are still coddling our sin like it's a puppy under our arm, we will never know what it means to be a true disciple. The kingdom came to destroy sin, not give place to it.

And yet I suppose there will always be those of us who will never fully trust this God with His crazy, backward ideas. Seems too foolish to be wisdom and yet, He gives wisdom to the simple things and makes foolish the wise. His way is always the best way and I consider not the things I have lost for I have only gained, in Him. He has given me more than I have ever deserved and has asked very little of me; only to follow Him.